


Jade Harley's Fantastic Love Stories of Awesomeness

by everyoneisemo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cliche, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-08
Updated: 2011-08-08
Packaged: 2017-10-22 09:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/236516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everyoneisemo/pseuds/everyoneisemo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat finds Jade's fanfiction about the two of them and gives her some feedback.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jade Harley's Fantastic Love Stories of Awesomeness

Once upon a time there was the prettiest, smartest girl ever: Jade Harley. But she was kind of a badass!!! And that is why people were afraid of her. She had a heart of gold, though, so that made her sad. All she really wanted was for people to like her! But she was such a badass she scared everyone away, and eventually she just got used to it and scared people away _on purpose_!!

So one day there’s a new kid at school. Jade doesn’t notice him at all, which is saying something since he’s all grey and has horns and stuff??? But she doesn’t notice him because she’s too busy being BADASS AS FUCK and so when he starts getting a crush on her she has NO IDEA. He’s so cute about it too, like blushing and stuff—red, if you’re wondering, he blushes RED like a person—and he’s writing their names together on his notebooks. Like “Jade-chan and Karkat-kun 4ever!!!” and “Karkat Harley” and “Karkat Vantas Harley” and “Karkat Harley Vantas” and all kinds of adorbs stuff like that!

This goes on for like MONTHS and then one day the new kid—his name is Karkat, btw—he gets up his courage and finally CONFESSES HIS KAWAII DESU LOVE to Jade Harley. At first Jade is assuming it is a joke because, like, nobody likes her! Everyone thinks she’s so badass that she is incapable of the loving feeling! But she’s not, so the fact that this is probably a joke is really hurtful! But then Karkat starts crying and it is SO SAD that even a badass like Jade can’t take it, so she takes him in her arms and says, “IT’S OKAY, BABY.” And Karkat is all like “AI…AISHITERU, HARLEY-SAN! KISS ME!” And so they lean closer and closer and _closer_ until

 **  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --  
**   
**  
WHAT  
THE  
FUCK  
IS THIS?  
HARLEY WHAT IS THIS NOTEBOOK I MEAN SERIOUSLY THIS IS THE MOST FUCKING  
I JUST  
I DON’T  
OH GOD THERE’S MORE  
**

Once upon a time, Jade Harley was a vampire. She had a whole family of vampires that she lived with and they were all super cool and hot and all that. The new kid, Karkat Vantas, who tended to only have one expression ever, was totally into her. And Jade just LOVES the smell of his blood. He smells like cherries and fresh mown grass. So they were obviously meant to be making out all the time. Even if it is FORBIDDEN.

But then Jade realized it was TOO DANGEROUS for Karkat to be around her! She brooded attractively at him, saying, “You should stay away from me. I’m BAD NEWS. And I might eat your face.” Which would be sad because she just LOVED HIM SO MUCH for how good his blood smells. So Jade went into brooding hiding and Karkat got super depressed.

There was this friend that Karkat had, let’s call her TZ, who was totally a werewolf or something. Maybe a weretroll, whatever. And she was nice and all but she was totally trying to STEAL JADE’S MAN although at this point that’s maybe okay because they broke up? But no, Jade came back! And she was even hotter than before!

 **  
WERETROLL?  
WERETROLL.  
THAT DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING MAKE SENSE, HARLEY.  
WHAT DOES SHE TURN INTO A TROLL DESPITE ALREADY BEING A TROLL?  
THAT’S FUCKING STUPID.  
I’M PUTTING THIS BACK, I CAN’T EVEN  
OH  
FUCK  
ANOTHER ONE?  
FUCK MY WIDE EYED CURIOSITY.  
**

don’t know what happened but suddenly we’re on a roof and the wind is whipping my hair like crazy. I clutch the gun in my fist like I’m going to punch someone with it, tears pouring from my eyes like a waterfall.

“I love you, Karkat! But it has to be this way!” I sob into the rainstorm that has just started.

“Just shoot already, fuckass!”

“I would—IF I ONLY KNEW WHICH ONE OF YOU TO SHOOT!”

Dun dun dun!!!!

 **  
…OH MY  
DID YOU SERIOUSLY END THIS WITH DRAMATIC MUSIC?  
JADE, JADE, JADE.  
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THESE?  
ALTHOUGH IT’S A FOREGONE CONCLUSION THAT I WILL BURN EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE.  
WAIT WHY DID YOU DRAW A FISH IN HERE?  
**

and so he asked her again, “What would you like to wish for, my new human friend? As I have already explained once, you get a wish for saving me!”

Jade looked at her new mertroll friend and shrugged.

“Well, what would you wish for?”

“I’d wish for legs, fuckass!”

“Oh, okay, I’ll give you legs then!”

“What?” But the magic had already gone into effect! It swirled around and around the mertroll until he almost disappeared behind it!!! It was so pretty! But the mertroll looked scared and confused. And before long he had two legs and some other stuff that I won’t write about in here, hehehe! Needless to say, Jade was pretty excited to see he was all in one piece, seeing as

 **  
I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS.  
WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS A MERTROLL?  
IS THAT SOME STUPID HUMAN NAME FOR SEADWELLER?  
OR  
WAIT  
WAIT  
THIS DRAWING  
OH MY FUCKING GOD IT IS ME AS A FISH ISN’T IT.  
OH MY GOD, HARLEY.  
THESE ARE SO GETTING BURNED.  
**

She adjusted her eye patch jauntily. This was no time for a poorly worn eye patch!!!!

“It is I! Jade Harley! Scourge of the seven seas!” she announced, swashing her buckles with a swish of her sword.

“Jade Harley?” The grey skinned beauty gasped. “I’ve heard of you! They say you’re a…a…”

“What do the landlubbers say of me? SPIT IT OUT!!!” Jade cries, spitting over the side of the boat.

“They call you a ROGUE!” And with that, the damsel swooned, her bodice ripping just due to proximity to the dashing and totally hygienic Jade Harley.

Her crew laughed heartily. “Not again, boss!” They cried. “That’s the third one this week!”

 **  
WHY AM I STILL READING THESE?  
THEY’RE  
OH GOD THEY’RE JUST  
MY CHEEKS ARE BURNING.  
I FEEL LIKE AN IRON IN THE FIRE HERE.  
THIS IS THE MOST HUMILIATING THING I HAVE EVER READ.  
**

That’s strange! She feels like there’s something different in her pants than usual! And her hair’s all short and also she has horns???!!!

OH NO SHE IS KARKAT! How lame, she didn’t even get cool horns! God, they’re like, candy corns just sitting on top of her head. Isn’t he embarrassed walking around with these?

But wait? What happened to her body then????

“JADE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE THINGS ON MY CHEST???” Jade was greeted by the confusing image of herself groping herself. And then she realized it was actually Karkat groping her and LET LOOSE THE FURY.

“KARKAT, YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW OR I WILL STOP IT FOR YOU.” She slapped his hands over and over and over!!! He’d touch her boobs when she was good and ready for that like a proper girl geeeeez!!!!

 **  
NO.  
NO THAT’S THE MOST HUMILIATING.  
JADE I DO NOT WANT TO TOUCH YOUR BOOBS.  
EVEN IF YOU MOVED THEM ONTO MY CHEST SOMEHOW  
I THINK I’D RESIST THE URGE.  
SEEING AS THEY AREN’T MINE TO TOUCH, FUCK.  
AND FOR THAT MATTER I SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING WITH THIS AND NO.  
NO YOU CAN’T TOUCH MY HORNS.  
**

“Jade, please, just one more kiss!” Karkat begged, eyes all watery like he was gonna cry or something. But Jade just shook her head.

“Sorry, baby, I can’t. I gotta go kill these zombies.”

 **  
IS IT JUST ME OR DO THESE GET LESS AND LESS COHERENT?  
IT’S LIKE YOU ARE BECOMING A WORSE WRITER.  
JADE, YOU INCOMPETENT SLUT.  
**

Jade sighed. “Well, I only have one blanket! So scoot over! Geez!”

Karkat looked really angry but that’s not so different from his usual face anyway so Jade didn’t even notice as she snuggled in. And then he realized she was warm and soft and they could cuddle and she would share her squiddles with him and eventually he fell asleep holding a purple squiddle. He whimpered in his sleep like a baby and Jade just thought that was the cutest thing ever.

 **  
YOU HUMANS HAVE LIKE  
FIFTY BLANKETS.  
I SAW YOUR HIVES.  
THERE IS NEVER JUST ONE BLANKET.  
THIS STORY IS A LIE AND YOU ARE A LIAR FOR TELLING IT, HARLEY.  
**

Jade wasn’t sure how much of that icky slime stuff Karkat had eaten, but it seemed like a whole lot!! She was getting a little worried, actually. What if he got sick? What if he puked on her?! EWWW!!!!

“Jade, I have something to tell you…” Karkat murmured, eyes heavy lidded (more than usual) and a hand on her shoulder, caressing.

“What? Are you gonna puke on me?”

“No. I have to tell you that I love you, Jade! You should be my matesprit! Now!” And then he hiccupped and fell asleep.

It turned out the only thing he puked up was feelings!

 **  
SPEAKING OF VOMITING…  
I MEAN SERIOUSLY.  
DO YOU THINK THESE ARE GOOD?  
BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING TO ACTUALLY TELL YOU:  
I HAVE SEEN ALMOST EVERY ROMANTIC TROLL MOVIE IN EXISTENCE  
AND NONE OF THIS IS ROMANTIC.  
IN FACT IT’S ALL A LITTLE CREEPY.  
**

“Oh, Jade,” Karkat creaked, his kind of scary but also kind of cute red eyes gleaming in the sunset, “I’m so happy we’ve been married for fifty years and are still married now. I love you more than anything. You shine brighter than the stars and I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”

“Oh, Karkat!” Jade exclaimed. She rocked a little faster in her rocking chair, hand pressed to her heart over her sweater.

“Which is why I have to tell you the truth: I’m dying. Right now. And I hate myself for doing that to you but perhaps remembering the good times will ease my passing for both of us.” Karkat closed his eyes, his rocking chair slowing in speed.

“Oh! Karkat!”

“I love you Jade and I will love you until the end…of my…li…”

Jade stared as the rocking ceased once and for all. “No…no! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

 **  
OH  
OH…  
UH.  
WELL,  
I GUESS THEY WEREN’T ALL BAD.  
**   
**  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --  
**   
**  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --  
**   
**  
what  
WERE YOU IN MY ROOM??????  
HOW COULD YOU READ MY PERSONAL PRIVATE THINGS!!!!  
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WO  
oh  
uh  
hehe  
thanks karkat  
♥  
**


End file.
